Jokes Double Meaning Jokes

[Humera22]

1. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
2. "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
3. "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
4. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
5. A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband, and says, "I shaved down there; you know what that means." The husband responds, "Yeah, the drain is clogged."
6. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
7. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."
8. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
9. "I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."
10. What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
11. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? "Thanks for coming!"
12. What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
13. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus.
14. What did the leper say to the sex worker? "Keep the tip."
15. What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes.
16. How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

[Humera22]

1. What does a perverted frog say? "Rubbit."
2. What comes after 69? Mouthwash.
3. What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?"
4. How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
5. What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
6. Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough. From, Pluto
7. What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.
8. How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
9. Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes.
10. What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.
11. What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas.
12. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? "Beat it. We're closed."
13. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.
14. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
15. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum.

[Humera22]

1. How do you get a nun pregnant? You have sex with her.
2. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
3. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions.
4. What's the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
5. What did one of the sex worker's knees say to the other? "How come we spend so little time together?"
6. What did the penis say to the vagina? "Don't make me come in there!"
7. What's the best part about sex with a hundred twenty year olds? There are a hundred of them.
8. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
9. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
10. I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

[Humera22]

1. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
2. My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
3. What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter.
4. Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He could see the snowblower coming.
5. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.
6. Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.
7. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
8. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.
9. What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The wedding ring.
10. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
11. If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
12. Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.
13. What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.

[Humera22]

1. What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek? "Together, we can stop this crap."
2. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
3. How are men like diapers? They're usually full of s***, but thankfully disposable.
4. Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
5. How do you make coffee in a toilet? With a plunger.
6. How is a boyfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the s*** out of you.
7. Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road? It got stuck in the crack.
8. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings."
9. Why was the old toilet always flushed? Everyone kept yanking his chain
10. How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.
11. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.

[Humera22]

1. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
2. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
3. A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."
4. What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
5. What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."
6. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
7. What's the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer? A sex worker could wash her crack and resell it.
8. What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus.
9. What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
10. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off.
11. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam.
12. What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
13. A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
14. An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
15. What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers.
16. Let's play carpenter! First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.

[Humera22]

It’s been raining for 3 days without stopping.

My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.

If the rain doesn’t stop tomorrow, I’ll have to let her in.








Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.






Coworker: “Do you ever think about work at home?”

Me: “I don’t even think about work at work!”




I like to show my girlfriend who’s the boss in our house.

I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.




My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors.

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn’t smell good.




Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.




Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”

Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”




I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.




When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.

I told him, “Oh, nothing. It’s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.”

My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, “Gee, I never knew you played football.”

I said, “Well, I don’t. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...”




“Mum, I just won this phone in a race!”

“Who was in the race?”

“The owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”




Diet day 1:

I removed all the fattening food from my house.

It was delicious.




Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer.

Alex—a little boy of nine—was playing ball in his yard.

He saw the farmer and asked, “What’ve you got in your trailer?”

“Manure,” farmer Smith replied.

“What are you going to do with it?” asked Alex.

“Put it on my pumpkins,” answered the farmer.

Alex replied, “You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.”




Me, at the hot dog stand: “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”

Hot dog guy: “Sure. Won’t be long.”

Me: “In that case, can I have two?”



An anteater walks into a bar.

“Having a nice day?” asks the barman.

“Noooooooo, noooooo, noooooo!” says the anteater.

“Why the long nos?” asks the barman.

“It’s always been like this,” says the anteater.

[Haris1234]

Very nice and funny

[Humera22]

“Waiter, does that delightfully loud band of yours play at the guests’ requests?”

“Of course sir, what would you like them to play?”

“Billiards. At least until I’ve had the chance to finish my dinner in peace.”

---

A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”

The neighbor looks at him slowly, “Wait, inside?!”

---

A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, “Do you have frog legs?”

The waiter looks offended, “No, I’ve always walked like that!”“

---

Tom and Paula are having their first date at a café:

Tom: What’s your profession?

Paula: I’m a waitress, and you?

Tom: I imitate birds for a living.

Paula (suppresses a smile): I’m sorry Tom, but that has to be the most ridiculous job I’ve ever heard of.

Tom is offended. He walks out the door, spreads out his arms and flies away.

---

You only love me when you need money!”

“Oh come on darling, you know that I love you all the time!”

“Exactly my point!”

---

Do you know the difference between a fly and an elephant?

No.

Wow. You’d better see somebody then.

---

A couple goes to the cinema. “Two tickets, please,” says the man.

“Hobbit?” asks the cashier lady.

“No, that’s my wife.”

---

It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.

Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.

---

“So, you’re saying I wouldn’t move a finger for you, darling?” said the husband and pulled the trigger.“

---

Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.

---

“Excuse me sir, could you please close that window? It’s terribly cold outside.”

“And you seriously think it’s going to get any warmer outside when I close it?!”

---

“I’d really like to have enough money to buy a white tiger!”

“What on Earth would you do with a white tiger?!”

“Who said I’d get a white tiger? I just want that much money!”

---

A guy comes to work too late. The boss is angry and asks where he’s been. The guy replies, “I’m sorry, boss, I fell out of the window.”

The boss retorts, “OK but come on, you weren’t falling for an hour!”

---

What does the lightbulb say when it’s being unscrewed?

I’m feeling delighted…

---

How do you pick up a girl at a bar?

-

Just smash some ice cubes in front of her and say, “Now that the ice between us is broken, what would you like to drink?”

---

You need something in your life that will set you on fire!

It’s a bit late to leave it for the crematorium.

---

A guy comes in a phone shop and says he’d like to buy a Samsung.

“Model?” asks the shop girl.

“No, I’m a plumber, but thank you very much!”

---

Do you want some body-on-body action? To feel the mingling breaths, the animalistic smells, the synchronized movement, the in and out, through the front, through the back…?

Take the bus to work during Monday morning rush hour!

---

A man goes with his e-bike to a bike shop and says, “I’d like to have a bell for my bike here.”

The dealer smiles greedily, “Bargain, we have a deal!”

---

A man walks into a sports shop and turns to an employee, “I’d like to have these three very big and heavy balls.”

The employee nods, “me too.”

---

What I say: I’m a family type.

What I mean: I eat roughly the same amount as an average family.

---

Two former friends are catching up at a class reunion: “So what are you up to these days? Got a good job?”

“Yeah, I can’t complain. I’ve roughly 450 people under me.”

“Wow, that’s impressive! What is it you do?”

“I mow the lawn at the cemetery.”